Why Don’t You Sleep in While I Make as Much Noise as Possible?

I understand the importance of sleep, and the fact that my husband needs more than young children. I let him sleep in on weekends, make sure the kids don’t run in and wake him up (unless I’m pissed at him), and give him some time to rest.

I sneak around the room like a cat. I make no sound. I see in the dark. I am one with the void.

Do you think I get the same courtesy?

HELL to the NO.

For some reason my husband can’t manage to keep the kids out of the bedroom when I’m trying to sleep. “Sorry, baby, they just demanded to see you.”

Dude, you are a grown ass man, you can keep preschoolers away for Christ’s sake.

This morning he needed to get up by 5:30 am. I usually make him breakfast and pack his lunch, partly because I like to feel needed, but mostly so he doesn’t spend money getting breakfast AND lunch at a drive through.

He told me to go ahead and stay in bed. I snicker to myself because while, SURE, I can STAY in bed, SLEEPING is not something I will be doing.

So he goes into the bathroom (10 feet away) to shower and while I’m lying there willing myself to go back to sleep he:

1. Drops 587 things

2. Slams the toilet seat down 8.5 times

3. Drops 15 things in the shower

4. Opens the door as wide as possible with all the lights on when he’s done (shining like a fricken lighthouse in my face) AND LEAVES the DOOR OPEN

5. Sits on the bed and rolls his ass around like Goldilocks finding just the right spot just to put on his socks

6. Puts on said socks, sloooowwwly, like he’s putting on a burlesque show

7. Leaves, with lights still on in the bathroom, but not before bumping into the bed 2 times

8. Makes a really loud 17 course gourmet microwave dinner in the kitchen

9. Comes in to kiss me goodbye, and wonders why I’m not sleeping

10. Slams door shut to garage (20 feet away)

He’s lucky he’s cute.