Actor: MOM! I just got a role on American Horror Story!!

Mom: OMG, that’s great! What part do you play?

Actor: I play a heroin addict that gets cornholed to death by a mummy-like creature wearing a giant strap-on drill bit!

Silence…

Actor: Mom?

Stupid Weather

Posted: June 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

The weather people make too much money. For a week we were supposed to get storms. I need storms. I want my peppers to grow for cryin’ out loud.

Finally after 3 days of weathersex teasing, we get a shit ton of thunder.

No rain, just thunder. When we DID get rain it was a trickle.

It reminded me sex with my ex-husband.

Lots of buildup of how great it was going to be, then a 3 second drizzle.

Old men with hats are the worst drivers on the planet. They pull out in front of you, then go -1346 mph.

They weave. They turn on the left signal to go right. The right signal to go straight, and no signal to do donuts for no reason in the middle of the road.

I think there’s something about the hat that makes them feel invincible, or maybe they just don’t give a fuck.

They’re all:

“SCREW YOU. I’m old. My prostate hurts. I haven’t had sex in 57 years, and my balls are hanging so low they are moving the gas pedal.”

So they do what they please.

That’s fair. If my balls hung really low, I might be a titch bit pissy, too.

Kanye is a douchecanoe…

Posted: February 9, 2015 in grammy, music
Tags: ,

SHUT UP, KANYE!

No one cares what you think about music since yours kinda sucks.

Security needs to be on high alert, and when he starts walking anywhere towards the stage, (I don’t care if he’s shitting himself and needs to find a bathroom stat), 100 guards need to just jump on him and make him stay there until the ceremony is over.

WTF does he think he is?

P.S. Telling people how awesome you are all the time, makes you look like a twatwaffle

So I’m Facebook chatting with my friends, who shall be named Esmerelda and Lorelai. I was hopped up on cold meds, and everything I typed seemed hilarious to me. I thought I’d share.

Esmerelda: So my son is staying at a friend’s house tonight. Got scratched by their dog. Friend’s mom’s all freaked out. He has scratches on his leg and the mom locked the dog up. Completely overreacting.

Lorelai: My stepson stayed with a friend when he was 16 and a dog bit him in the face.

Me: I got stabbed once at a friend’s house. Her mom passed out after doing the whole 8 ball, and my mom was kinda mad.

Esmerelda: I’m sorry, DAFUQ? Are you high right now?

Me: Lol, no, just being me.

Esmerelda: Break that shit down for me.

Me: Um, I was totally lying.

Esmerelda: You’re an ASSHOLE.

Me: ME?? What? It was a GOOD story!

Esmerelda: But you’re still an asshole. Assholes can spin a great yarn.

Me: Ok, I might be a little high.

Lorelai: So I’m going to take my family to the Four Seasons Orlando next Christmas.

Esmerelda: That’s a bold goal!

Me: (thinking Lorelai was taking parents and extended family) How much of the family? Just the ones you like?

Lorelai: Just my husband and daughter.

Esmerelda: It’s the Four Seasons! That’s exPENsive!

Me: Oh, I took “bold goal” as meaning a lot of family, not mo’ money.

Esmerelda: Nope, get with the program. The Four Seasons is a lot of money, you should know that!

Me: (googling what holds memories) I forgot. Well, I WAS stabbed in my temporal lobe, but I don’t like to talk about it.

Esmerelda: You can hear, no you weren’t.

Me: (hurries and Googles what lobe): Duh, it was the MEDIAL temporal lobe.

Esmerelda: Dick, temporal lobe = hearing.

Did I mention she’s a nurse?

Me: Medial temporal = memories. I’m a bit fuzzy about things since the stabbing, and the subsequent surgeries.

Esmerelda: That’s IN the brain!

Me: Yes, I know, but it was just with a toothpick.

Esmerelda: You can’t be stabbed there without reaching the outer temporal lobe.

Me: That’s because my friend was an alien, they have technology you cannot imagine.

Esmerelda: Through your nose? Sideways?

Me: I know, right? It really hurt.

Esmerelda: You’re so stupid.

😀

Driving idiots

Posted: January 13, 2015 in Blog, Humor, Life, Marriage, Rants, Stories, Women
Tags: , ,

So I’m behind this guy in the left lane going 22 in a 35 mph. Bored, I move to the right lane and speed up.

Slow guy (who must have a tiny penis) decides to speed up only to cut me off in my lane. He then slams on his brakes.

I brake hard and go back into the left lane. He speeds up to stay even with me and rolls down his window to give me an unimpressive finger.

He then yells: “WHORE!” out his window.

I don’t blame him. I drive a minivan. If that doesn’t scream I like the sex then
nothing does.

So cold:

… my car thermometer says: HOLY SHITBALLS, BRRRR!

… my kids WANTED to wear coats.

… the Browns could have won a game today…

… the devil is wearing UGG boots, and he HATES those things.

… I could cut diamonds…(wink wink)

… my heated garage can’t warm itself past 28 degrees.

… the squirrel that hangs out in the tree by my kitchen window hasn’t moved a muscle in 3 hours.

Poor Larry.