Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

So I’m Facebook chatting with my friends, who shall be named Esmerelda and Lorelai. I was hopped up on cold meds, and everything I typed seemed hilarious to me. I thought I’d share.

Esmerelda: So my son is staying at a friend’s house tonight. Got scratched by their dog. Friend’s mom’s all freaked out. He has scratches on his leg and the mom locked the dog up. Completely overreacting.

Lorelai: My stepson stayed with a friend when he was 16 and a dog bit him in the face.

Me: I got stabbed once at a friend’s house. Her mom passed out after doing the whole 8 ball, and my mom was kinda mad.

Esmerelda: I’m sorry, DAFUQ? Are you high right now?

Me: Lol, no, just being me.

Esmerelda: Break that shit down for me.

Me: Um, I was totally lying.

Esmerelda: You’re an ASSHOLE.

Me: ME?? What? It was a GOOD story!

Esmerelda: But you’re still an asshole. Assholes can spin a great yarn.

Me: Ok, I might be a little high.

Lorelai: So I’m going to take my family to the Four Seasons Orlando next Christmas.

Esmerelda: That’s a bold goal!

Me: (thinking Lorelai was taking parents and extended family) How much of the family? Just the ones you like?

Lorelai: Just my husband and daughter.

Esmerelda: It’s the Four Seasons! That’s exPENsive!

Me: Oh, I took “bold goal” as meaning a lot of family, not mo’ money.

Esmerelda: Nope, get with the program. The Four Seasons is a lot of money, you should know that!

Me: (googling what holds memories) I forgot. Well, I WAS stabbed in my temporal lobe, but I don’t like to talk about it.

Esmerelda: You can hear, no you weren’t.

Me: (hurries and Googles what lobe): Duh, it was the MEDIAL temporal lobe.

Esmerelda: Dick, temporal lobe = hearing.

Did I mention she’s a nurse?

Me: Medial temporal = memories. I’m a bit fuzzy about things since the stabbing, and the subsequent surgeries.

Esmerelda: That’s IN the brain!

Me: Yes, I know, but it was just with a toothpick.

Esmerelda: You can’t be stabbed there without reaching the outer temporal lobe.

Me: That’s because my friend was an alien, they have technology you cannot imagine.

Esmerelda: Through your nose? Sideways?

Me: I know, right? It really hurt.

Esmerelda: You’re so stupid.

😀

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Driving idiots

Posted: January 13, 2015 in Blog, Humor, Life, Marriage, Rants, Stories, Women
Tags: , ,

So I’m behind this guy in the left lane going 22 in a 35 mph. Bored, I move to the right lane and speed up.

Slow guy (who must have a tiny penis) decides to speed up only to cut me off in my lane. He then slams on his brakes.

I brake hard and go back into the left lane. He speeds up to stay even with me and rolls down his window to give me an unimpressive finger.

He then yells: “WHORE!” out his window.

I don’t blame him. I drive a minivan. If that doesn’t scream I like the sex then
nothing does.

So cold:

… my car thermometer says: HOLY SHITBALLS, BRRRR!

… my kids WANTED to wear coats.

… the Browns could have won a game today…

… the devil is wearing UGG boots, and he HATES those things.

… I could cut diamonds…(wink wink)

… my heated garage can’t warm itself past 28 degrees.

… the squirrel that hangs out in the tree by my kitchen window hasn’t moved a muscle in 3 hours.

Poor Larry.

 

I’m tired of being sick.

One thing after another since like August…

Sinus, maybe pneumonia, probably flu (but we’re not sure take this medicine anyway), lumps on my neck, ear aches, sore throat…

And that was just over my anniversary getaway weekend.

I’m so desperate I ordered stuff I consider “crunchy” like peppermint and oregano oil to take.

Thank You Amazon Prime!

Maybe my mean old (now dead) grandma was right, and I should try tying a dirty sock around my throat.

Macaroni and cheese.

Don’t do it.

Later, they will start coughing in their bed while lying flat on their back and you’ll hear the grossest noise ever on the baby monitor, then run upstairs to see your kid lying in a bed of barfy mac and cheese.

WHOLE.

I KNOW he chewed it.

If you’re lucky, when you pick up your heaving kid, he will barf it in your hair, too.

I might need therapy now.

BAH

Posted: December 23, 2014 in Blog, Humor, Life, Musings, Rants

So my friend told me that the name of my blog is wrong.

WRONG WRONG WRONG

Why?

Because I don’t write all the time.

“How can you be perpetually irritated and not post anything perpetually, you dumbass?”

TOUCHE.

Maybe I’m too irritated to bother?

Or lazy.

Or it’s the holiday season and I gotta DO SHIT.

Or maybe it’s because the Prozac is kicking in?

WTF knows.

I DO know that it’s gonna be a green Christmas in my area, and that blows.

I have THE most awesome snow tires in the history of snow tires, and no snow to drive on.

Bah.

 

So, I got up, left him in bed.

Started coffee.

Got the teen up.

Got juice cups ready.

Got the preschoolers up.

Got everyone breakfast.

He is still sleeping.

I pack his lunch, make his breakfast.

Still sleeping.

I warm up my car, get everyone bundled up.

I drive the teen to school, get donuts for the little ones.

I come home.

He is gone.

He made his side of the bed and left mine a mess.

WTF?? Seriously? WHO DOES THAT???