Posts Tagged ‘stupid people’

So I’m Facebook chatting with my friends, who shall be named Esmerelda and Lorelai. I was hopped up on cold meds, and everything I typed seemed hilarious to me. I thought I’d share.

Esmerelda: So my son is staying at a friend’s house tonight. Got scratched by their dog. Friend’s mom’s all freaked out. He has scratches on his leg and the mom locked the dog up. Completely overreacting.

Lorelai: My stepson stayed with a friend when he was 16 and a dog bit him in the face.

Me: I got stabbed once at a friend’s house. Her mom passed out after doing the whole 8 ball, and my mom was kinda mad.

Esmerelda: I’m sorry, DAFUQ? Are you high right now?

Me: Lol, no, just being me.

Esmerelda: Break that shit down for me.

Me: Um, I was totally lying.

Esmerelda: You’re an ASSHOLE.

Me: ME?? What? It was a GOOD story!

Esmerelda: But you’re still an asshole. Assholes can spin a great yarn.

Me: Ok, I might be a little high.

Lorelai: So I’m going to take my family to the Four Seasons Orlando next Christmas.

Esmerelda: That’s a bold goal!

Me: (thinking Lorelai was taking parents and extended family) How much of the family? Just the ones you like?

Lorelai: Just my husband and daughter.

Esmerelda: It’s the Four Seasons! That’s exPENsive!

Me: Oh, I took “bold goal” as meaning a lot of family, not mo’ money.

Esmerelda: Nope, get with the program. The Four Seasons is a lot of money, you should know that!

Me: (googling what holds memories) I forgot. Well, I WAS stabbed in my temporal lobe, but I don’t like to talk about it.

Esmerelda: You can hear, no you weren’t.

Me: (hurries and Googles what lobe): Duh, it was the MEDIAL temporal lobe.

Esmerelda: Dick, temporal lobe = hearing.

Did I mention she’s a nurse?

Me: Medial temporal = memories. I’m a bit fuzzy about things since the stabbing, and the subsequent surgeries.

Esmerelda: That’s IN the brain!

Me: Yes, I know, but it was just with a toothpick.

Esmerelda: You can’t be stabbed there without reaching the outer temporal lobe.

Me: That’s because my friend was an alien, they have technology you cannot imagine.

Esmerelda: Through your nose? Sideways?

Me: I know, right? It really hurt.

Esmerelda: You’re so stupid.

😀

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I was thinking today, for no reason really, what would happen if my husband met someone else…I think the conversation would go like this:

Husband: Uh, I’ve met someone.

Me: Oh? Male or female?

Husband: (sputtering) Female, of course, why?

Me: Um, (looks him up and down) no reason…

(See, now I’ve got him all flustered, the ass)

Husband: Well, I did, and I’m leaving.

Me: Ok, does she know that you never change the toilet paper roll or put your dishes away?

Husband: Well, uh…

Me: Oh, does she know how you belch like Godzilla trying to break the sound barrier?

Husband: Well, no.

Me: Oh! Does she know how you snore like a fucking grizzly bear with sleep apnea AND asthma?

Husband: Well, I haven’t exactly slept…

Me: Oooh, here’s a good one, does she know how you like to leave skid marks in your underwear AND the toilet?

Husband: Well…

Me: Shut up, I’m on a roll. How about how you pick your toenails, and then clip them at the dinner table? Or how you like to take off your stinky socks and throw them in other people’s face? Or that you only brush your teeth a few times a week, and you like to fart a lot?

Husband: sinking into the floor

Me: …and scratch your ass in public, and eat with your mouth wide open, and snort really loud, and drool…Does she know that about you?

Husband: (deflated and defeated) No, no she doesn’t…I’m so sorry, I’ve treated you terribly. Can we just forget this whole thing?

Me: (packing) Fuck no, you’re kind of shitty, thanks for reminding me! Have fun with the new girl.

Runs for the hills… (after taking all his credit cards and cash from his wallet as he sits there sobbing).

I think too much.

I was thinking the past week on how everything seems annoying.

All the damn time.

I feel like Nancy Kerrigan and want to yell: “WHY????? WHY MEEEEE????”

I’m like Archie Bunker, but  a lot younger, not a racist, and there’s the whole vagina thing…

From rude trick or treaters to old men in hats to my Bacon, Egg, and Cheese biscuit not having any bacon OR egg…I want to explode.

I decided to vent in written form, as venting in oral form makes people look at you funny and back away slowly.

So I created a new blog, and OF COURSE  I can’t even upload a damn picture.

I just get one of the stupid ass broken window image icons.

WHY MEEEEE?

Amendment: Oh, look! There’s a picture now, and it’s SIDEWAYS!!! Grrrrr